Exhaustion

It's been almost twenty years since I was first diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It's been a long journey. I never imagined I'd still be suffering twenty years later. It started when I was a Senior in high school. I came home early the first day of school. My mother took me to the doctor and I had some lab work done. I was positive for the Epstein-Bar virus. I missed all but one term of my Senior year. (I still feel a bit sad about missing the majority of my Senior year. I never went to prom. Depressing, I know).

I'm such an internal struggle right now. I want to document our family life, but frankly I'm exhausted. It's hard for me to get out of bed each morning. I could literally sleep all day everyday. It's not a normal I'm tired. It's an exhaustion. Kind of like you ran your heart out for a few miles in a cross country race. I start everyday on empty and run out of gas quickly. Add a headache to the mix. Now pretend like you have the flu with body aches. This pretty much sums up my day every day. (In addition to various other symptoms which are classified as TMI).

I keep thinking tomorrow will be better. I'll catch up tomorrow. I forever have a lot of catching up to do. Depression creeps in, because frankly how could it not when you feel crummy for twenty years. I start to second guess my decision to be a mother/wife. My kids/husband deserve someone who is healthy. Someone who can do so much more than I can. I feel so inadequate. I often compare myself to everyone else and wonder what my problem is.

Last year I started on a journey. I met with a nutrionist and a trainer to see what I could do to better my health. I stared eating healthier and tried exercising more.(Note when you are exhausted  exerscising can often make it worse and not better). I decided to see a Naturopathic Doctor. I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis last May. I started taking a natural thyroid and felt immensely better. Then I crashed a month or two later. (I guess my body doesn't like to do things the easy way). Hashimoto's is an autoimmune disease. My body is attacking itself, specifically my thyroid. Taking a thyroid replacement is the first step. It hasn't done much for me. My Naturopathic has left me hanging. Saying there's not much more that she can do but increase my meds . I've since found a few other various health professionals that say they can help. Most of which are not covered by my insurance. I love our health care system.

This month will be a new step of my journey. I'm currently shopping around for doctor that can help me. For too many years I've been told I'm fine. I am not fine. I am not special. I am tired. Not normal tired. Exhausted. And I'm done being exhausted.

Ironically as I think my children deserve a better mother, they are my light right now. I can't tell you how much joy they bring to me. Flash makes me laugh every single day. He's hilarious. Batgirl is brillant. It's hard to keep her challenged. I am blessed, far more than I deserve. In the misery of my health I do find much joy. Much reason for me to keep searching for some relief.